the moody room show

Patrick Miranda (Pleasing) – Vocals & Guitar, Artistic Direction
Xavier Hofmann (Pleasing) – Bass
Sacha Ewen (Pleasing) – Drums
Thomas Faber (Maz) – Special Guest
Léa Weber – Actress
Joshua Defays – Actor

Laurent Thiry – Moderation
Claire Thill – Acting Direction & Text Dramaturgy
Serge Tonnar, Tun Biever – Production
Noah Fohl – Lights & Technical Direction
Cedric Fischer – Sound
Damiano Muno (Foqus) – Technical Direction
Isaiah Wilson (Foqus) – Camera Direction
Randy Rocha (Foqus) – Camera

Partners:
TWO STEPS TWICE
Rotondes

Special thanks:
Adenilson Miranda
Soraia Passagem

Moody room words, provided by you, who shared your thoughts about your mental well-being. A big thank you for this ❤️

PART 1: HOW DO YOU FEEL?

Léa:

I’m pretending

I feel like I‘m not living for myself anymore. I just exist and everything I do is to satisfy others. I feel pretty empty.

Ech hun absolut keng Loscht méi op irgendeppes, ech sin net méi wierklech glécklech, ech fillen mech, als géng ech mäi Liewen verpassen, als géng ech net sou kéinten liewen wéi ech et gär wéilt. Ech fillen mech agespaart.

Joshua:

My emotions are like a rollercoaster. I’m experiencing constant ups and downs)

I am drowning in emptiness. I feel hopeless/helpless all the time. My dark thoughts are torturing me and I feel trapped in my own mind.

I feel alive again…I feel. I feel happy.. I m happy. I feel loved…by myself again. I feel worth…worth to be alive. I feel whole again.

Léa:

I’m pretending

Joshua (whispering into Léa’s ear):

Lost, alone, hopeless, unmotivated, weak, useless, unloved, overwhelmed

ängschtlech, neutral, lazy, anxious, but still happy?, disappointed

gudd, mee irgendswéi och midd, hongreg a midd

tired

completely lost.

iwwerfuedert, mueschtlos, gestresst

not your best

depressed

ganz okay?

(Léa gets up, in distress)

Joshua:

Lonely but fine.

I have difficulties waking up as planned. Hitting the snooze button until final-ly getting out of bed at 12pm is sad. Overall I keep myself busy during the day. Some days I feel like I can't do shit, other days I could do anything. Quarantine has brought about some good and bad habits… like doing workouts and snacking too much in between my online lectures… 

But mostly I have bad days. My dreams have become really traumatising. It started recently and it's really uncomfortable.

Léa:

Even the smallest tasks that some people can carry out with no problem are very difficult for me. Getting out of bed, cleaning my room, brushing my hair. I don’t really cope with it. If I have a good day then I take care of myself but if it’s a bad day or a bad week or a bad month, I get nothing done at all.

Joshua:

During the day I usually don‘t let anything affect me, but often small things irritate me. As soon as I‘m alone, I let go of everything. It has kind of be-come a routine  for me to cry myself to sleep. It sounds really sad but it’s al-so kind of comforting.

Léa:

I’m claustrophobic, I want to go out, I want to visit my friends, I was sup-posed to be in my Erasmus year, but I'm stuck in Lux. I'm feeling very anx-ious and nervous. I want to leave!

Joshua:

Ech fillen mech eidel… ech fillen mech konstant midd, ech sin onmotivéiert, ech hun d‘Gefill all Daach wier juste na den nämlechten, an ech fillen mech, wéi wann ech op eppes géng warden, wat awer net kënnt… ech fillen mech, als hätt ech d‘Loscht ze liewen verluer, a géng juste na existéieren.

Léa:

For the first time since I can remember I feel like I have no real expectations towards me and that gives me a great deal of peace.

Joshua:

I spend a lot of time at home. Going outside is very overwhelming and ex-hausting. I stopped watching the news, because it makes me anxious and it makes me think that the world is ending.

Léa and Joshua:

no sight, no light 
smiling instead 
everyday a fight 
words unsaid 
waiting for the next night

PART 2: WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER?

Léa:

I love to visit cemeteries on the weekend. They are peaceful places where I wander and leave my "bad" thoughts outside. I can hear the birds singing in the trees, this always makes me feel better. Parisian cemeteries are so qui-et that you feel like you're in the middle of nowhere when you walk through them. It’s magical!

Joshua:

I broke the rules. I went to a friend’s. We were three guests. We played games, talked a lot, laughed so much. I was there for about 2 hours but I felt so good afterwards. I drove home and arrived past 11pm. It was worth all the trouble I could have gone through. It gave me energy to better sur-vive the days after.

Léa:

Être écoutée, quand je dis cela ça ne veut pas juste dire écouter la per-sonne parler et c’est tout, mais sentir les mots prononcés. Des fois juste un câlin fait du bien. Pour ma part, j’ai beaucoup pleuré et parlé et re-pleuré et redit les mêmes choses et aujourd’hui je vais mieux.

Joshua:

And spirituality, sobriety, healthy lifestyle, honesty, self reflection. 

And most importantly: sharing and talking about your experience!

Léa:

A mäi beschte Frend. Seng Präsenz ännert ënnerlech alles, hien bréngt mir déi Rou, dee ‘safe space’, dee mir a mir selwer fehlt.

Joshua:

And, I guess, just moving away from everything that was breaking me. Just getting some distance and reevaluating what I cherish.

Léa:

And talking to people that can relate or know how to listen. People that know you at your best and worst are probably the ones that help you the most when you need it.

And a Therapist,

Alone-time.

PART 3: MOODY DAYS

Léa:

Se war einfach beemol do, meng Depressioun, ech hunn et ufanks net mol sou richteg gemierkt oder mierke wëllen, ech hunn alles probéiert, fir et ze ënnerdrecken, mee se huet ëmmer e Wee fonnt, fir sech ze weisen. Ufanks war et eng Iesstéiereung, dann hunn d’ Suizidegadanken ugefaangen, an dat huet dann Schloofstéierungen mat sech bruecht. An di ganz Zäit hunn ech geduecht, ech kéint et kengem zielen, well ech dann all Mënsch belaaschte géif. A wann ech dann mech awer getraut hunn, mat engem ze schwätzen, krut ech keng richteg Reaktioun. Wi wann et net sou schlëmm wier, wie wann et mir dach net sou schlecht kéint goen, well ech jo nach léieren an well ech mech all Daag zesummenräissen, fir iergendwéi weider-zeliewen. Duerch Therapie an mat der Zäit hunn ech geléiert, dass ech et wärt sinn, dass et derwäert ass ze kämpfen an dass Saachen zwar emmer méi schlëmm kéinte sinn, mee meng Problemer och schlëmm genug sinn, an packen et domat, mir selwer genuch Léift ze ginn, fir weiderzeliewen.

Joshua:

I have depression. Depression feels like drowning in a sea of darkness. It‘s cold. I‘m surrounded by people, but at the same time I‘m alone. Everything feels so heavy, but I‘m too weak and drained to fight back. My thoughts are scaring me. I am experiencing suicidal thoughts. 

Léa:

When the pandemic hit, I suddenly faced a lot of fears I didn’t know I had. I had deep insecurities from always searching recognition by my parents and peers and I was deeply insecure about going freelance and opening my own company. When Corona hit, I faced all these fears even more. There was a strong possibility that my dreams of independence and success in my field of work would never happen. This led to a total burnout for about a month. For the first time in my life I needed medication. Although the drugs helped me almost immediately, I still think that allowing myself to take them was probably one of the hardest steps to take. Looking back it was however the best decision I could have made. Since then, I’ve lost the fear of talking openly about it, which has made my anxiety disappear almost completely.

Joshua:

Quand les personnes les plus chères de ma vie sont décédés, je ne voulais plus vivre je voulais leur place, je me suis senti très, très seul, personne ne me comprenais, personne ne pouvait sentir ce que je sentais. La mort est forte, cruelle et sans espoir.

Joshua:

Ech haat elo vun Oktober bis virun kuerzem eng schwéier Zäit, a sin am Dezember wéinst Selbstmordgedanken bei mäi Psychiater gaangen. Ech wollt ëmmer alles selwer packen, mir soen, dass ech keng Medikamenter brauch, fir aus dem Lach eraus ze kommen. Mais et ass net méi gaangen.
Et ass mir schwéier gefall, daat ze aktzepteieren. A meng Elteren sin keen Fan vun Antidepressiva. Mais et geet scho besser, an ech hun och definitiv manner Selbstmordgedanken. Panikattacken hun ech net méi oft säit ech d‘Pëllen huelen. Do virdrun haat ech der zimmlech vill. Meeschtens an der Nuecht, einfach esou random, oder bei Stresssituatiounen.

Léa:

Et ass scho virkomm dass et sech ënnerlech einfach esou eidel ugefillt huet a gläichzäiteg iwwerfëllt mat Onrou. E Gefill, wéi wanns du grad aus den-gem eegene Kierper einfach rauswéils, well en vun iwwerall onroueg, ängschtlech a wéi deet an helleflos ass. Du soutz ech do, alles aus mer rauszekräischen an Panik koum erop, dass dat Gefill net ophällt an dass ech do net méi rauskommen. Du kräischs, well et einfach grad wéideet, et ass richteg Péng déi een do spiert, an et well een einfach aus sengem eegene Kapp erauskommen.

Dat sin d’Panickattacken, wéi ech se erliewen, déi aus dem näischt beemol optrieden.

Joshua:

The pandemic affected my mental wellbeing in a good way for the first 3 months. I had a lot of time for myself and I learned many things about my-self. This turned into a phase where I came to realise that some things needed to change in my life, in order for me to be able to be myself. These were difficult months, because I fought against it. At the moment I think I’m good, but I know that – would anything happen to me or the people close to me – life would be horror, because of the pandemic and the difficulties it brings.
I also struggle when it comes to talking about sanitary measures. Masks, vaccines etc… The population seems very divided and it worries me, but I wouldn't describe it as a permanent worry.

Joshua:

It made me realise how much I depend on routine, a work & life balance that actually keeps me stable. It made me realise that you don‘t grow out of mental illnesses and that they follow you, grow roots and attract more pain. The pandemic brought me to a crisis point but it also led me to therapy. Something that I had needed for along time. Without the chaos of the pan-demic I probably would have kept living on in pain and denial.

Léa:

I’m sorry but I don’t feel ready to talk about that yet. I still get anxious when I think about it, I guess writing it down and remembering it could make me feel  more depressed right now.

 PART 4: HOW DO YOU SEE YOURSELF?

Léa:

I see myself as a curious 19 yo girl living in Paris. I want to discover the world and meet people from different universes. I guess that's why I'm stud-ying art history. I want to bring everyone to the museum and make them travel through art; no matter where they are from, how old they are, which language they speak. I'm spontaneous, funny, friendly, a bit weird (but who isn't?) and I love life. It's hard to know who you are right now, in the middle of a pandemic, but this situation allows us to discover new things, new parts of ourselves we didn't know. And that's a good thing.

Joshua:

Ech gesi mech als optimistesche Realist! Emmer Glitzer dobäi, fir déi elle Saachen ze cachéieren!;) Liewensfrou an ëmmer gäere Bereed, fir opze-kläeren! 

Hängt wuel u menger sexueller Orienteierung lol

Wann ech Honger hunn, ginn ech granzeg an dann sinn ech gäer alleng, datt annerer net drënner leide mussen;)

Léa:

Ech sinn ech. Ech sinn dat, wat ech handelen, denken an fillen. Ech probéieren, dat Bescht u mir ze gesin. Och wann ech heinsdo u mir zwei-feln, u mengem Dosinn, probéieren ech mech net selwer ze verléieren, souzesoen mäin eegent Gesiicht fillen ze kënnen. Ech sinn alles, wat ech erliewt hunn a wat nach viru mir steht. Ob et alleng oder mat aaneren ass. Ech sin dat, wat  ech am Laaf vum Liewen empfannen an domaden unfäen-ken wäert. Wees net op dat Sënn mecht.

Ech sinn ee ganz empatheschen an éierlechen Mensch.

Ech sinn eng roueg Persoun, di sech vill Gedanken ëm hir Matmënsche mëcht a munchmol och vill ze vill. Mai Wëllen, fir ze hëllefen, geet villäicht heiansdo ze wäit. Ech verstinn nët, firwat dass ët an der Gesellschaft esou vill Ongerechtegkeet gëtt a vun der Politik aus net méi gemaach gëtt, fir des Ongerechtegkeeten op mannst deelweis aus der Welt ze schaaffen.
Gläichzäiteg hunn ech ëmmer Angscht, alles wat mir eppes bedeit, ze ver-léieren.

Joshua:

I see myself as someone who works constantly on themselves to grow and reach their goals.

Just some random dude with qualities and flaws like everyone.

A person with a big heart

A ball of energy thats 3/4 empty

I see myself as my worst enemy.

a young man ravaged by loneliness, who sees writing songs as a cathartic coping mechanism to deal with my thoughts

a sun and a moon in one.

a hurricane of emotions

I see myself as a survivor

A machine, just going through hours, days weeks, months of working with-out pleasure and free time

An amazing heart. An extremely greedy soul. A very messy mind.